Looking ahead

Last week, I was discussing having been given a cancer diagnosis with a friend who has also had cancer. I've been pondering what we talked about for a few days because, although we had different types of cancer, our reaction since our diagnoses seems to have been similar. Whenever I go to the hospital for a check-up, or even think back to having been told that I had cancer, I find myself thinking, "Who? Me?"; that person, the one with cancer, doesn't seem to be anything to do with me. I haven't got cancer now and I don't seem able to equate the person I am now with the person who was sick. Cancer is nothing to do with me.

These, it seems, are the same thoughts and reactions as my friend has when people refer to her having had cancer. Perhaps it's the same for everyone? Are we in denial? Or are we just looking ahead?

Today, I had confirmation of looking ahead. After almost three years of working as a voluntary steward in my local abbey, I was given a badge with my name on it! No longer do I have to use one of the generic badges. Somehow, that feels like confirmation that I'm here and that I have a future. Even though I've been quite sure of these two points ever since surgery, it's nice to have it confirmed.