Surely not?

I've been talking to a friend who's a qualified reflexologist and is hoping to offer reflexology to cancer patients and their carers (carers need pampering too!) The question my friend asked was whether I would have signed up to have reflexology while I was undergoing treatment. That started me thinking, mainly because my immediate reaction was, "Cancer? Have I had cancer?"

It's a strange thing, as I've said before, that when I look back three years, I can remember feeling unwell, and I can remember being tattooed for radiotherapy, driving to the hospital every day for more than a month and coming home again feeling more drained by the travel than by the therapy. What I can't remember is actually having cancer. Every time anyone mentions it, or I think of it myself, my mind rejects that notion. I wonder why. I can only imagine it's because that for the society in which I live, cancer is the bogeyman that hides under the bed and jumps out when you least expect it. Other cancer survivors tell me that they have the same issue to deal with - it's impossible to make a connection between the person you are now and the person with cancer. In a way, I suppose, it's similar to thinking back to the person you were a decade ago, a lifetime ago. We change. In the case of cancer though, do we change, or does the cancer change us? Something I need to ponder, I think, so that's my question for the week.

The answer to the reflexology question, by the way, is yes, I would have signed up for it - but instead, I attended acupuncture sessions (and still do) as I find those very helpful.

A new lease of life?

Today, I seem to have acquired an enormous amount of energy. Not only have I been checking out the two new courses I'm teaching but, having spent the morning cleaning my holiday cottage with a friend in anticipation of the next lot of guests arriving, I came home and washed the floors to remove muddy dog prints! I can't imagine having been able to do so much before my diagnosis.

Now that it's three years since radiotherapy, I'm beginning to think it'll soon be time to do some fund raising. All I have to do now is to decide how to do it. At least I now have the energy for it.

Blanket terms

I am such a grumpy old woman, I realise. I'm now outraged by a survey on disability that I was asked to complete. An explanation of what constitutes "disability" was included, and I was most put out to see "cancer" on the list. I mentioned this broad brush approach a long time ago, in relation to a job application form that insisted because I've had cancer that I should tick the "disabled" box. Now, cancer can be disabling, it can lead to conditions that are disabling but to presuppose that everyone who has or who has had cancer is disabled is offensive not only to those, like me, who aren't disabled and who never have been, but also to people who are disabled. When will HR departments realise that "cancer" is far too broad a term to use in this context?

I grew up with a parent who was seriously disabled, and to think that I, healthy as I now am should be classed as having a disability is an insult to my parent, whose strength of will resulted in overcoming - or at least ignoring - the disability.

So, if cancer has been disabling, then there isn't a problem in saying so, but surely there has to be some recognition that not every cancer patient is disabled as a result?

What we notice

I commented recently that it's ironic that when stressed about something, we notice reference to it absolutely everywhere. When I was waiting to have my mammogram and then while quivering in anticipation of the results, every time I opened a newspaper or magazine or even listened to the radio or watched a TV documentary, all I saw and heard was articles about breast cancer. Even the local shops were full of special offers to support breast cancer relief.

Since I went to the hospital for my annual check-up and also had my mammogram results, I haven't noticed anything about any type of cancer anywhere! I'm sure the support groups haven't stopped raising awareness and asking for help, but suddenly, I don't see those announcements. It's just as well, really, that I'm aware of the need to contribute to raising funds.

Isn't it strange, though, how the mind focusses on certain things at certain times?

In this case, though, "out of sight" certainly isn't "out of mind"!

Going ahead

My final test results have arrived, and they're clear. I hadn't realised I was quite so worried about the outcome until the envelope appeared in today's mail. I had to sit down to open it! What a huge sigh of relief I breathed when I read the letter - I suppose I would have had to be very unlucky to be hit by another form of cancer after my experience, but there's always a niggle at the back of your mind, and there's always a chance it could happen.

So, now I can make some plans as I have no hospital visits etc. for 12 months. For the first time in some years, I feel a lot freer to move on.

I am, however, still planning my constructive feedback message to the hospital about my experiences there recently. This is even more important now, since the doctor I saw has written to my GP practice with the outcomes of the check-up and, very kindly, has informed them that I will be returning to the hospital rather than being discharged to their care next year as I have said I have no confidence in them! How very helpful. Whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? While it's true that my confidence in my GP practice is not great, surely it's for me to discuss that with them, not for an oncologist to stir things up! I see my future being filled with a lot of repair work...

Efficient? I don't think so...

Until my visit to the hospital last week, my next appointment was always made by presenting the appointment card to the receptionist after my consultation. Then, in discussion with me, the receptionist would arrange the time for the next appointment, book it into the computer database and write it on the appointment card. I would then go home, already knowing when my next appointment would be and that the time was convenient.

For some reason, it has now been decided (nobody is taking responsibility for this) that patients are no longer involved in the process. We hand over a piece of paper to the receptionist and go home to wait for an appointment to arrive in the post. When I protested, and asked how I was supposed to indicate that I would need an appointment early in the afternoon, the receptionist sighed ostentatiously and wrote "Would prefer early appointment" on the piece of paper I'd given her. Previously, all I'd had to do was inform the receptionist of my preference and she would give me the earliest available appointment. Now, I have to go home and wait to see if anyone has taken any notice of what I've asked for.

This morning, the appointment arrived, more than a week after my consultation. Fortunately, I have been given an early time. However, the whole process is so much less efficient than the previous arrangement, not to mention far more expensive, since postage now has to be paid by the hospital. And I though hospitals were short of cash... Silly me!

Of course, there's no guarantee that I'm going to go back for another consultation, particularly after last week's performance by the hospital staff. The appointment system seems to me to be simply another aspect of the growing disrespect shown by many medical personnel to patients, the people who pay their wages.

Me and the medical profession!

I have decided I am fated to have a bad time when I come into contact with any member of the medical profession. Today, I trotted off for a routine mammogram. This is a staightforward procedure, for anyone who hasn't had it. Four x-rays - two from the front, two from the side. A bit uncomfortable, but ok. Unfortunately, after x-ray number 3, the radiographer said, "Oh dear, it's got stuck" and sent me off to sit in the changing room until she had unjammed the machine. After the final x-ray, as I was dressing, I overheard her say to her colleague, "It's sticking again. I hope I got that one." So, I'm now waiting for the phone call asking me to go back to have the x-ray done again. I don't need all this additional stress - it's bad enough having to go at all!

And a 2-3 week wait for the results doesn't soothe my nerves either...

However, having said that, I would like to praise the team for treating me with courtesy and maintaining my dignity at all points of the process - how unlike my experience of last week.

For medical personnel who may read this, politeness costs nothing and it makes your patient a lot happier and more compliant. Think on!