"I've been ill, but I'm fine now."
"Oh, what's been wrong with you?"
"Well, I had cancer. But I'm fine now."
Cue embarrassed shuffling, eyes shooting around the room looking for an escape route, then...
"You look very well now."
The questions start...
That one word, cancer, terrifies people. They don't like to hear it, especially not from someone they're talking to socially. My reaction? If you don't want to know how I am, don't ask me! My experience may remind me of your own, mortal condition, but I'm still here and I now firmly believe that we should talk about cancer and how it affects us. I've found that even doctors don't want to discuss it and try to change the subject if you meet them socially. Now, this may be because they think I'm going to start asking advice - I'm not! I simply believe that these things should be openly acknowledged; there are a lot of us about, and, more and more, we're surviving longer and longer.
I remember as I was growing up that if someone had a diagnosis of cancer, there'd be a horrified silence when their name was were mentioned. Adults would mouth at each other, "Cancer, you know.", and then they'd change the subject. Young ears mustn't be sullied by "that word". Have things changed? Judging by my experiences, no. Why not? Other things - heart disease, for instance - are at least as deadly as cancer (and, as I said, more of us are surviving now), so why don't you want to talk about it? Judging from the reactions I get when I mention my own condition, there are two possible explanations:
- the word brings one's own mortality into view
- somehow, it's "rude" to ask questions about a potentially life-threatening illness
Like death in our society, cancer is something we skirt around, try to ignore and hope it'll never happen to us. Even though I've always known that one day it would catch up with me, I was the same until it happened. One of the worst things you can do to a bereaved person is to talk about anything but the bereavement; for me, one of the worst things you can do to a (recovering) cancer sufferer is to ignore the illness that is/was part of them. Don't be embarrassed! Ask those questions - you never know, the information you gain might prevent you from going down the same path.
One final thing before I stop today - cancer is not shameful. I am not ashamed to have had it. Bad things happen, but we can learn and grow as a result because everything happens for a reason.
Don't forget, "Embarrassment could be the death of you."
1 comment:
Lesley, I understand what you are saying. Why do people refer to cancer as “the big C” – as if they cannot bring themselves to utter the word? I prefer to be open about it. On many occasions when I met friends who knew that I had undergone surgery to remove a cancerous tumour I found that they avoided talking about it. Then I began to get flippant. On a few occasions I met friends who didn’t know that I had been in hospital. The conversation would go like this:
“Graham, I haven’t seen you for some time. Have you been on holiday?”
“No, I’ve been in hospital.”
“Oh, I hope it wasn’t serious.”
“No, just cancer.”
You should have seen the look on their faces! They could hardly believe what they heard. Just three months after my operation few people would have suspected that I had cancer. I looked so well. I would then guide the conversation towards coming to terms with what most people appear to regard as a disease that signifies the end of the road.
I have three friends (all female) who were really good to me when I was down in the dumps during my post-op recovery period. Two have cancer and are long-term survivors, the third was severely injured in a car accident and is now paraplegic. All were prepared to talk frankly to me, to be brutally honest at times and also to encourage me to think positively and look ahead. I really appreciated that.
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