People often comment on the 'bravery' of cancer patients. Sometimes, people told me I was brave. But I wasn't. I've said it before - if there's nothing to be done about something, you just get on with it and live for that moment.
For the whole time I was sick, while I was recuperating in my hospital bed and all the way through radiation treatment I felt relatively upbeat. The one real low point was as I was being wheeled into theatre and I didn't know if I'd wake up again. That scared me.
Sometimes, when I think back over that time, I realise how lucky I was to survive and I wonder why I wasn't afraid. But now the possibilities terrify me. Through illness, I've learned not to fear death, but the thought of never seeing the sun again, never spending time with the people I care about again and just not being force themselves to the front of my mind with more regularity than I care to consider.
The real issue, I think, is that as well as not wanting to talk about cancer, not wanting to acknowledge it or you as a cancer patient - other than to whisper, "Oh, she's marvellous. so brave..." - nobody really wants to hear about those fears. They don't go away with the end of treatment or with final discharge; in some ways, they get worse. They ambush you when you least expect it and suck the joy from you. The only way I've found to deal with these fears is to acknowledge them, to look into their face and say, "Hey, I'm still here"; and then, they retreat into the shadows in my peripheral vision - until the next time.
The real issue, I think, is that as well as not wanting to talk about cancer, not wanting to acknowledge it or you as a cancer patient - other than to whisper, "Oh, she's marvellous. so brave..." - nobody really wants to hear about those fears. They don't go away with the end of treatment or with final discharge; in some ways, they get worse. They ambush you when you least expect it and suck the joy from you. The only way I've found to deal with these fears is to acknowledge them, to look into their face and say, "Hey, I'm still here"; and then, they retreat into the shadows in my peripheral vision - until the next time.
So, let cancer survivors share their fears. Don't whisper, "So brave...". Rather, just let them talk about it and don't change the subject.
2 comments:
Yes, I think you’re absolutely right that it’s important to face and express those very normal fears about mortality. It’s not easy for friends and family to hear though. Thanks for raising this, Lesley.
Personally, in my own little brush with cancer, plus my lifelong terror of operations, I don’t know how I would have got through it all without faith in a God who has it all under control. I respect that not everyone has such a belief, but experiencing God in that situation made such a HUGE difference to me and gave me such a peace and, dare I say, even joy, that I simply have to share it. I found that when you’re up against a possibly life-threatening illness, you soon find out if your beliefs stand up to scrutiny.
Good to hear from you, Caroline. I was wondering how you were and how you were getting on. It sounds as if you're ok, and I'm pleased to hear it. Do keep in touch!
Post a Comment