Time and tide

This morning, I was at a service to celebrate the life of a friend of my parents. The cause of death was oesophageal cancer. It's interesting that whenever I attend a funeral where cancer was the cause of death, one of the things that emerges in the eulogy is how inspirational the deceased person's reaction to the news of cancer was. I have yet to hear of someone raging against the unfairness of it all, and yet that is the reaction that people seem to expect. Acceptance and a calm demeanour are taken to be unusual, even by the medical profession.

Three years ago today I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. I remember distinctly going to the hospital to collect my test results. I'd been told it was unlikely that I had cancer and yet, at the back of my mind, I knew I had. The consultant was delayed by an emergency, and I sat in the corridor waiting for her to arrive for quite some time. Eventually, I was called in. To her eternal credit, she delivered the news without trying to present it as anything other than what it was - bad. She didn't say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you...", just, "The results have come back and you have endometrial cancer". She and the nurse then sat back, waiting for my reaction - I could see the large box of paper tissues to hand for when I wept. When I simply said, "Ok. What happens now?" and discussed the possiblities, the consultant looked at me strangely and commented, "You're taking this very well." before warning me to be careful driving home, since I'd come alone and had a shock.

Maybe some people do scream and weep. That isn't my experience. From my own point of view, there was nothing to be done apart from getting on with things. I didn't particularly want to die at that point in my life, but if that had been the verdict, then I don't think my response would have been any different. Perhaps acceptance is a defence mechanism, but I'm never surprised to hear that someone took such unwelcome news in an "inspirational" way. I think it's worse for those around that person; when the decision is taken out of your hands, you really do just have to let events happen as they will. Maybe that's the thing that Dylan Thomas' poem doesn't recognise - there is no point in raging against the dying of the light; all that matters is that the light has shone for a time.