From time to time, the thought passes through my head that I could simply discharge myself from these hospital checkups. I get so tense before I go that I fear they do more harm than good. I know, as I've said before, that they're supposed to provide me with reassurance that if there is any recurrence of my cancer, it'll be caught early and treated. I know that I'm supposed to be reassured by the 'all clear' message if and when I get it at the end of a visit. However, that isn't how it works, it seems. All that happens is that I spend a month or two before the checkup getting increasingly anxious, the visit happens, I hate it and then I come home again, already dreading the next visit.
So, if I discharge myself, what then? With my luck, I'd have a recurrence immediately. That's why I drag my unwilling body along to see Nurse when I'm instructed to do so. I'd probably quite like Nurse under different circumstances, but I currently view her as my nemesis and simply don't want to see her ever again! I so hope that we manage to reach the promised point of a complete discharge in January. I won't hold my breath.
For now, though, an eerie calm has descended upon me, though I veer between that and adrenaline rushes. In 27 hours, it'll all be over for another six months - I hope.
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