Follow-up

Ever since I got the letter for my first follow-up appointment, there's been a slight niggle at the back of my mind. Although I now feel fine and the hospital registrar told me they're not expecting to find anything when I go back, there's still always that, "What if?" question lurking. I haven't been looking forward to sitting in the waiting room by myself, knowing that I'd spend the entire week before the appointment getting increasingly concerned. The worry isn't anything to do with whether the cancer may have returned; I can cope with that. As before, my concern rests with the treatment that might be involved. Having seen a lot of very sick people recently, I really do wonder if I'd be brave enough to refuse treatment if I knew that it wouldn't really prolong my life and that the quality of that life would be diminished by the treatment. I hope I'll never need to make the decision, but the forthcoming appointment has brought all these thoughts to the front of my mind.

Anyway, having gone to all my radiotherapy appointments alone - friends came with me to all the appointments before diagnosis (except for when I was given the diagnosis, which is probably when I needed someone with me most) - going back to the treatment centre by myself has not been an attractive proposition. Most of the time, I can cope with being entirely alone in the world, but visiting hospitals for diagnoses, treatment, follow-up reminds me how much I miss having someone to talk to about these things. My friends have been wonderful, and I will never be able to tell them how much all the love and support I've had from them has meant to me, but there are times when I really miss my mother, who died just before all this began.

Why am I telling you this? Because two things happened yesterday that made me realise that the thought of that appointment had really been upsetting me while, at the same time, making it clear to me exactly how lucky I am. Firstly, two friends have arranged to visit the week of the appointment - I'm so pleased, because I'll have something to take my mind off the hospital visit as we go sightseeing, shopping and so on; secondly, my godmother has offered to come with me to the hospital for that first check-up appointment. I am extremely grateful and incredibly touched that she should do that. It makes me feel I have a second chance at having a family.